just thoughts

  I really don't know what the fuck is my problem, I do things that I don't know why I do ... Well let's start at the beginning .
  I was never popular , never done " part of the crowd " despite talk to everyone n go to parties anyways, but I never feel confortable in these parties ... until my first and a bit of the second year of high school I cared too much about appearances, and I wanted to have one, no matter what it was, so I started drinking a lot, I mean, actually I do not care to much about what others think of me, but I don't know, I wanted to have an appearance I think to myself, wanted to create a life in which I was much more interesting like these "crazys bitches" we see in films and think "this is so fucking awesome", then what i did, I started to get drunk all the fucking time, I started this with my 14 years , but every year I got worse and worse and drunk and I became my "character", I just believe in my own lie, cause i tell it to myself so many times, also to deceive the pain I felt whenever I was buzzing and the crowd did things to me when I was drunk, I ended up "calling" the fuck up and tried not to be bitter, but at first I just pretended, inside I wanted to disappear and make everyone who made ​​me suffer feel the same fucking pain, and I got this rage inside me until now ( I'm 19 now ), oops, I'm getting ahead of myself here, let's go back to my "character", I was like, that girl does not care about anything, say and do whathever she want and don't give a fuck, drinking and picks whoever she want, talking about sex and who likes rock and stuff, I wanted to be and live the sex drugs and rock n' roll, and even today a part of me wants to be like this, but understand, I was super insecure about everything, frustrated with life since I was 12, 13 years, I think the world sucks, and I hated live in small town.
  Well, reading this i really think that i'm fucked up, i'm a mess, but now i'm tired so tomorrow i continue my history, now i'll play assassins creed :D.
 XOXO